How I Learned to Praise My Daughter's Behavior: Finding Opportunities in the Midst of Overwhelming Challenges

Finding the good in our children's behaviors can feel impossible at times, especially when we often face challenging situations. I vividly remember my daughter as a toddler during our journey with Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy after her diagnosis. Those early days were overwhelming, with countless instances of challenging behaviors. Discovering something positive amid the chaos seemed like searching for a diamond buried in coal.

Then, a Behavior Specialist shared invaluable advice that changed everything for me: “Create the opportunity for her to show you even the slightest good choice—then praise it thoroughly!” Hearing this made me realize I needed to actively seek out those positive moments rather than waiting for them to appear.

The Challenge of Recognizing Positive Behavior

As we navigate our children’s maladaptive behaviors, we often get trapped in a cycle of focusing solely on what they are doing wrong. I experienced this firsthand during countless afternoons spent redirecting my daughter's actions, feeling tired and defeated with each attempt. On particularly difficult days, I only noticed tantrums and defiance, making it hard to see any small wins.

Reflecting on those tough moments, I now understand that even in the chaos, there were glimpses of positive behavior waiting to be recognized. For example, one day after a long stretch of difficult behavior, I noticed her helping a friend pick up toys. It was a small act but significant for our journey. Taking a step back allowed me to appreciate these moments instead of getting lost in negativity.

Creating Opportunities for Praise

To genuinely praise positive behavior, I had to transform my mindset and become proactive in my approach. I stopped waiting for good behavior to happen by chance and instead began intentionally creating situations where my daughter could shine.

For instance, I started organizing playdates with peers. These social settings provided opportunities for interaction where I could guide her behavior with clear expectations. On one of those playdates, she took the initiative to share her favorite toy without being prompted—something that previously would have been an uphill battle. By structuring these experiences, I set the stage for her to succeed, which in turn gave me excellent chances to praise her behavior.

A subtle change, like promoting group play rather than solitary activities, encouraged her to navigate social scenarios more effectively. Witnessing her engage positively with peers created a rich opportunity for me to celebrate her successes in a supportive environment.

Praising Close Approximations

One of the most vital lessons I learned was the importance of praising even close approximations of desired behaviors. Initially, I held a narrow view of what constituted "good behavior." This limited perspective often left me disappointed. When I began to recognize and reinforce efforts—no matter the outcome—I started to see my daughter in a new light.

For example, during a tricky transition between activities, I caught her attempting to share her toys, albeit awkwardly. My instinct was to highlight what she did wrong, but I remembered the advice to focus on the positive. Instead, I praised her for the effort of sharing, regardless of how brief the moment was.

This focus on acknowledging her attempts led to a shift in our home environment. Each time I recognized her positive choices, I saw her willingness to repeat those actions grow. In fact, research indicates that children respond positively to praise, typically showing about a 20% increase in the behaviors being reinforced.

The Power of Consistency

Being consistent in my approach became essential. It wasn't sufficient to recognize good behavior sporadically. Instead, I made it a daily habit to acknowledge positive actions, regardless of their size.

Simply following through with requests or showing kindness to a friend warranted attention. I implemented a behavior chart with stars and stickers to visually track her progress. This simple tool not only made her feel accomplished but also reinforced our positive interactions.

The consistency helped shape her understanding of expected behaviors. When she realized how much praise accompanied her good choices, it motivated her to repeat those actions more often.

Ignoring Unfavorable Behavior

While recognizing and praising positive choices is crucial, equally important is the practice of ignoring unfavorable behaviors. Initially, this was particularly challenging for me. I often felt obligated to respond to every instance of maladaptive behavior, but I had to learn that not every action warrants my attention.

I came to understand that reacting to negative behaviors often empowers them. For example, instead of reacting to tantrums, I chose to stay calm and not engage. After she calmed down, I would be ready to praise any positive choice she made afterward. This shift created an atmosphere where we celebrated good behavior and allowed undesirable actions to fade into the background.

Building a Positive Feedback Loop

Over time, I saw the strength of fostering a feedback loop of positivity. Each instance I praised my daughter led to her seeking that affirmation again. As her focus shifted toward making positive choices, we witnessed a decrease in maladaptive behavior.

Cultivating this loop not only improved our interactions but also enriched our relationship. Those once overwhelming days transformed into moments filled with pride and gratitude. It required patience, but celebrating her for who she is became a truly rewarding experience.

Final Thoughts

Reflecting on my journey highlights how critical it is to find opportunities for praise. This path required a shift in perspective and a commitment to cultivating positive behaviors. By engaging in this process, I learned to notice that moments worth celebrating are always present, even when they seem overshadowed.

If you are walking a similar path, remember that even the smallest actions deserve recognition. Create environments where good choices are not only possible but likely. You might be surprised by the changes that come from your attention and praise.

Building a culture of positivity is not an overnight task. However, the rewards, both immediate and long-lasting, can be deeply fulfilling. Watching your child thrive through encouragement fosters a bond that strengthens resilience and boosts confidence. Let us celebrate those good choices together, one day at a time!